"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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