Only a mothe r could love this liver
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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