I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize