i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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