Need sex. Gaining weight.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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