i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
