At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The air was thick with penises
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
