I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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