How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
