There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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