Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
