Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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