"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
