My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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