im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
