Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
