She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
