I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
