I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
