i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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