The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize