i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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