I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
