if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize