so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
