matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
