just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
