Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
