Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
