Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
