It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
