thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
