There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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