we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
