Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm bleeding and have questions
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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