Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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