Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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