Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
