He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
