I'll bet she douches with gravy.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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