We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
