I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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