I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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