You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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