I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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