So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
