i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
