you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
