doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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