dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
