my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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