Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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