I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
