Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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