I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
