She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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