they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
